Adoption: Its a Bumpy Ride

In yesterday's news it was all abuzzin' about Englishwoman Julie Jarman giving back her adopted daughter Zahina. Ms. Jarman, a single mom, evidently wanted to adopt another child so that her daughter would have a sister and she felt that it was the right thing to do. She chose an older child feeling that the transistion would be good for all. The whole story is here at this link
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/1922840/posts so I won't delve in to the whole interview. But read it because it is quite revealing of the psychological wounds that a child who is abandoned goes through. I saw myself in little Zahina throughout the interview.

The issue with the sad story of giving this little Zahina back was that she didn't quite fit the fairy tale that Ms. Jarman had spun in her head. I beleive that Jarmen wanted not only a playmate for her other natural born child but to also be able to say "Look at me! Aren't I just selfless to adopt a poor neglected child?" But was she prepared for the psychological issues that this child brought to the table? Absolutely not. We adopted children are a jumble of psychological issues and if they are not addressed and compassionately understood at a young age, the myriad of self-worth and sense of not belonging stay rooted in our lives for many years. And if not addressed properly, can linger with us forever.

Too many times we hear stories of young girls getting pregnant,single Moms adopting children, unfertile couples longing for a child and picking one out and the common thread in many of these tales is that they want someone to love them, fit into societal expectations of a family, maybe cement their longing for self worth and what is more perfect than a child's unfettered love. And in many cases, when a natural child is born to them, the adoptive child unconciously gets pushed out.

I still to this day do not quite understand the motives behind my own adoption. I came to the stark realization at a very early age (5 years) that a) I was different and singled out due to my adoptive status, b) I never felt a sense of belonging in my family c) for years I thought I myself could be given back if I just did not work out. My sense of living on borrowed family time was securely validated when I just recently read my adoptive Mother's Who's Who in America where she was described as being the mother of her "adopted" son James, her "adopted" daughter Judy and her son Joseph. There in black and white, in a very respected "Aren't I the greatest" publication was the final blow in my already fragile psyche.

Believe me I understand little Zahina longing to find her birth mother. Her writings of living with the "evil" adopted family was a cry for help. But did Ms Jarman react correctly - absolutely not! Instead of sitting down with this little girl and saying I understand your feelings of abandonment, your confusion at being different, your lashing out with your childlike behaviour , your dreams of your real mommy coming to find you, this Adoptive Mother couldn't understand why this child was not grateful to her. I myself had the "sainted" nuns at St. Michael's tell me I should be grateful for my adoption. That was great fodder for gossip with my peers for years to come. Believe me the nun-zoids did me no favor.

The pit that adoptive families fall into at an alarming rate is that they assume that this child that they graciously saved from imaginative and real evils should be forever grateful that they chose to adopt them. Throw a couple of direct bloodline siblings into the mix and things can get quite painful for the adopted child. Never expect gratitude from a child. We can't give it. Our minds are full of the why was I not wanted nightmares.

Now before you get all huffy and say that you know a family that adopted a child and things are great, stop kidding yourself. For every one "success" story, there are ten more families that just don't get the fact that even though they may love this adopted child, the child has very painful and almost always hidden feelings of abandonment, isolation and daily worries that they too can be given back.

And there is the "You Are Different" syndrome. In biographies of the stars or people in the public eye who have expanded their families by adoption, the word "adopted" is always before the word daughter or son. Most people know someone who adopted a child and nine times out of ten, the heading "adopted" is addresssed to that child. I begrudgingly joke that I have a big letter"A" on my forehead and when I hear some say my adopted so and so, I want to smack them. In my family, we lived with labels of hierarchy, my adopted brother, my foster sisters and of course the "real" child. I grew up feeling radically different and never being able to claim a bloodline or familial history. My sister Grace and I joke that we have real, bought and borrowed kids in our family. Sad statement but these are our true feelings. The label adopted or in her case foster will always be with us.

A friend of mine was proudly telling me that her daughter adopted a little girl. Congratulating the new grandma with the expected oohs and aahs, I got serious with her. Being the party crasher, I asked her to never label her granddaughter as adopted. To caution her daughter, that when the inevitable questions of where did I come from arise to always tell the truth and to let the child know that if she wanted to find her birth mother some day that she would help her. To never spin a fairy tale that God chose their family to be her family and all the other fairy tale nonsense that people spin into their adopted children's heads. And for God's Sake do not treat this child differently than natural born siblings.

Believe me by the time the child is asking questions, she wants real answers. One strong warning is to NEVER in public decribe the child as adopted. And to be prepared that one day out of the blue that child may feel grief that at one time someone gave them away. When this happens, the adoptive parent needs to know that even though they shower this child with love adoptees have issues with abandonment. To be able to correctly deal with this is to cement that Yes they are loved and here is the story kiddoo.

I wish I could find little Zahina and tell her I know what she is feeling. But that will never happen. This poor kid, not only is grieving that her real mommy is not up to snuff but now her adoptive mommy doesn't want her. Yikes, what psychological torture that kid is going through.

I think that my point in this rambling diatribe is that if parents want to adopt, they need to be prepared that things might not work out they way they fantasied in their heads, that there may need to be extra effort put in so the child can truly feel secure and if it looks like it is not working out, instead of giving them back, work harder.

There is an incredible article that deals with the issues that adoptees face. Dr. Marshall Schechter describes in this article many issues that surround adoptees. You can entire article at Not Alone - Adoption : Feelings of Abandonment, Interest in Genetic Information. This should be required reading for all prospective adopting parents. If Ms. Jarman had read it, maybe Zahina would not be going through the pain she is now.